Gel, I know it hurts. It sucks that it happened to you. All I can tell you, speaking as a survivor, it's for the best that it happened so soon in your relationship. The tears will pass, the pain will fade and yes, you will be able to hear the songs and go places where you used to get senti and they won't move you with thoughts of the past.

I know it doesn't feel like much, but your girls are always here for you, ready to spend time with you and help you get over the withdrawal symptoms.

Love you Gelli!

ouch!!! a lotta "below the belt lines"…despite what u may think and feel, i was true to you in every sense of the word…and everyone saw that…i guess you will never truly understand what im going through here as well.

Hey girl. That was very impassioned. You went from hurt to sad to angry in just a few seconds … and I can actually relate to that.

You are strong, you are a survivor. You don't need a man (partner) to be a complete person. You are beautiful inside and out.

And no matter what happens, you know that you have friends who will always be there for you. At the very least, you know where to find Gigi and me. If you need a friend then just reach out. We will be here for you … always.

We are just a phone call or a cab ride away. I miss you, girl.

God bless.

I’ve never been one to spend much time on the internet posting on friendster or blogging or what have you. So when you see the length of this reply, I guess, you’ll see the effort that went into drafting this. And as I always used to tell you when it came time to buying gifts for the holidays, the amount of time, care, and effort a person places in the selection of a gift for someone is indicative of how much they know that person or how much they care for that person. And with the holidays right around the corner, you know that I only bought presents for three people that mattered to me the most: you, my bubu bear, and my aunt. So by extension, let the content of this reply be a reflection of what you meant to me.

Since your fall from grace, I threw as much distance as I can from you if only to forget the pain and betrayal. I finally read your blog last night and as I read your entries on the pain that you are going through, a part of me is so tempted to rub it in…that you deserve what you got…that in the very end, fate works itself out and we all get a taste of our own medicine. But since that dark, cold, and dreary New Year’s Day of finding out about the betrayal, I’ve since worked out my own demons and have gone full circle from pain, denial, withdrawal, anger, acceptance, and eventually…enlightenment and a state of grace.

So, in your lowest moment, let me emphatize with you and share with you the adage that “this too shall pass” and you shouldn’t have to go through the same thing, if you learn the pearl of wisdom from this life experience. The pain you are going through cannot be adequately described by words….I know, because I went through the worst of it from December 04 to the end of February 2005. I’ve always admired your high threshold for physical pain as evidenced by your refusal to take any meds for migraine, etc. but I can feel your emotional anguish. Nothings soothes emotional pain and anguish more than the passing of time. And nothing hurts more than emotional pain…it feels like a knife that cuts through your heart and a sinking feeling in your gut, a sense of hopelessness that overwhelms. Heaven knows I lost so much weight from the whole ordeal….perhaps that was the only positive thing…I got down to my high school weight and did it sans the exercise. I tell you this though, I was walking around Kalayaan, Rockwell, Buendia and back to the condo just to tire myself just so I can fall sleep. And even when I did get some sleep, it was only a very shallow sleep. I lost so much weight, even my bubu bear was petrified!

But, the pain shall subside as time goes by. It helps to stay busy, never be alone, take out anything and everything that brings back memories…all the mementos, well, you can burn em, hide em, give em away, or whatever it takes. Because I guarantee you that just when you think you’re strong enough, all it takes is a trigger, a memory of something, and you start bawling your heart out again. Oh yeah, it helps to have good friends (if of the opposite gender, make sure they’re gay or if straight, that they don’t have ulterior motives. Last thing you need is to jump from one relationship to another before you’ve even healed) that you can hang out with, or call, or text, or talk to till the wee hours of the night (what I always referred to as ungodly hours). And when you do break down, which you will occasionally, don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself to grieve, and grieve, and grieve until you’ve cried so much…you’re dehydrated. And when you have nothing left, resolve to move on and start all over again. If you can not think about the person without feeling a tinge of pain for a minute, then an hour, then a day, then days, then weeks, and before you know it, months. Then you reach a stage of where I am now, I think of you occasionally, and when I do, I only recall the good times. The few times that I relapse to thinking of the bad times, I remember the events but it doesn’t bring back the emotional charge of it.

Part 2 of 2
Anyway, one of your entries indicated a potential suitor. Well, if you recall, we were going through a stormy time in our relationship when the tree you settled in came along amidst the storm. The storm has finally settled, and the sun finally shone down your path momentarily and then came this hurricane , and you will realize (you may deny it or you may finally do) that sometimes it’s better to just keep chugging through the storm or fly to a higher altitude, way above the storm (that was the solution…fly above the storm or weather…that is what pilots are wont to do and trained to do when faced with bad weather…why be a bird when you can be a jet, eh? Besides, birds have a habit on shitting on people, a jet soars high up in the skies where the eagles fly). Going back to the suitor, let me quote one of your fave lines about being whole before I or your current heartbreaker came along….I was whole before you came along!…well, were you really? Perhaps you are looking for someone else to complete you, to complete the void you feel inside you… a void that harps back to your childhood…similar childhood that you and I went through and have talked about several times. So before you jump off to the wild blue yonder with another person, put more thought into the people you choose to love and the motives you have (for more on this, read the chapter on relationships in the book “ Conversations with God”).

Early this morning, my friend Mike and I were out bike riding in the desert hills and while we were talking, it dawned on me that by next month, December, it would have been a full year since things fell apart for us. Needless to say, we went through a post-mortem autopsy of our relationship and I will concede a point….perhaps in this day and age, it is too much to have expected you to maintain your fidelity to me considering my continuous long term absence traveling and working overseas. After all, you are only human…and not a saint. Given your good looks, charm, wit, personality, needs, and the crowd in which you circulate, it was but natural to succumb to temptation eventually. I will just take at face value that in the two and half years we were together (oh yeah, you discounted that back in December 04 and said it was less when adjusted for all the time I was overseas), you always stayed faithful, until of course the latter part. If you were in the province, surrounded by people within the Christian church, and leading a simpler, uncomplicated life, perhaps, it would’ve been reasonable to expect you to keep the faith but that wasn’t the case, so it is with grace that I understand and accept why you did what you did. And with choice comes responsibility and consequence. You are now faced with the eventual consequence of your actions….It will sting and it will hurt…but you will live… and hopefully, be a better person for it.

Let me end this ode to you by listing some songs for you. Oh by the way, if you want to forget about him, it helps not to listen to songs that bring back memories…heaven knows I avoided all the R&B love songs and reverted to techno, rock, and classics for awhile.

Anyway, here are the songs:

1. This one is for you – Paminsan Minsan by Richard Reynoso – favorite line – “Paminsan-minsan, Naaalala pa rin kita, Kahit ngayon mayr'ong nagmamahal na ngang iba

2. Honesty by Bill Joel – some lines to ponder:
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what i need from you

3. I’m Free by Jon Secada – This is the state I am in now-see the last line
Do you see what i see
A rainbow shining over us
In the middle of a hopeless storm
Sometimes i'm blinded by my feelings
And i can't see beyond my troubled mind
Afraid of what i'll find
The story of our lives
But there's tomorrow.
Cause i'm free, i'm free
And things are only as important
As i want them to be

4. Angel by Jon Secada – you are or were an angel-
And baby i, i've tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes
Still shines, shines, shines like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go
Won't let me go, let go of my heart

More to come….