Bite your tongue!

       "KNOW WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU STAND FOR, WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN AND WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT! SO NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU TO YOU, ESPECIALLY THE ONES YOU LOVE THE MOST, YOU WILL BE UNFAZED, UNSCATHED, UNHURT! " 

        I remember hearing something like that at an Oprah episode a long time ago and never has it had as much impact on me until now. The last few months have been trying times for me in terms of my relationships with people - One of my best friends, my family, my partners, both in life and on radio. There are times that I wish I was indeed a man living in an island without the need to establish relationships with people. What is so wrong about that? Well, there is nobody there with you to tell you what is wrong with you! Nobody to tell you, actually more like scream to you, albeit through text or in person, just what is sooooooo terrible about you and what it is you need to change pronto lest you want to lose the people around you. 

        How do you tell someone to change? Weren't we told that we shouldn't expect people to change and change has to come from them? They have to want it for themselves because that is the only way it would be effective, and last. And people falter, regress, and then stand up again, to try one more time. Nobody should be condemned for falling, failing.Friendships don't have to end! And with friends, you don't say things you know will hurt them forever just because you are angry. The same thing goes in Love.Bite your tongue! Words said in anger, those that sting, will leave a mark forever. Why would you want to hurt the one you love like that? But then the ones we do love are the ones that do have the power to hurt us the most. We all already know that.

         I don't like myself very much right now. Come to think of it, I haven't really liked myself ever since I was a kid and what I am currently working on, been working on for years, is loving myself enough. It doesn't help to have people around me telling me what is so terrible about me. I feel like a nasty human being right now.I must be if the people who know me best are the ones that say that. 

        Funny, most of my childhood I was told by family that I was too sensitive. I had to develop a thicker skin. I was too sensitive coz the typical "pang-aasar" or family/friendly asaran would get to me. I wasn't used to that. We didn't have that in Nigeria.I did not have early exposure to teasing. So I really had to work on that! Had to learn to retaliate. Had to learn to take the teasing, pang-aasars esp from family. I adequately remember that my uncle told me that if I let it get to me, or did not have a good comeback, I lose. We harness that same trait on radio because it can be funny. Not all the time but if you don't have your own quips on radio, you are not considered witty. So you tease, mang-aasar ka, thinking it's all harmless fun, and you have no intention whatsoever to insult anyone, but unfortunately, you do! And sometimes it is too late when you find out! Damage has been done by the time it is brought to your attention. The one thing I had to learn and master to survive growing up with my pang-asar family, going to a school that I went to and being in the industry that I am in, that one thing is the exact one that bites me back in the ass.If I ever insulted anyone, or made anyone feel small with my pang-aasar, I AM SORRY and sincerely apologize for it. If there is one thing I hate, is anyone making any body else feel small.

         I feel so misunderstood right now. One more person imply, insinuate that the only thing a man needs to be loved by me is a great set of abs and I will punch him in the nuts! Just a few minutes ago, my partner said something on air and I ended up crying when the mics were off coz I am just so enraged! I am not that FUCKING shallow! God damn it! Yes I appreciate a good body. Yes I will praise the person for it but that is because I appreciate the dedication and discipline they put in to achieving that physique. Yes I may exaggerate and make the person feel like a god, but heck he/she deserves it. They worked hard! Am I all about the body? No! More than anything else I am after people who work out for fitness as a lifestyle. I always tell people who seek advice, that you have to do it as your lifestyle more than just to fit into a wedding dress or lure some guy! I hate it, detest it, when people think that I am easily impressionable. A good body that is all you need? And it hurts the most when the ones I love the most think that. If I was indeed like that, I'd be having one night stands left and right, anytime I want it. Man, guys with great bodies are just a text away. Do I even bother texting them back? Do I even think about them even for a second? Do I fantasize over them? FUCK NO! And I can say that with conviction. Do not tell me that I am lying or you know me well because I know my own thoughts! So what if I blogged about a hot guy in a movie. More than his body, I loved his dancing. Do I think about that movie and remember how hot the guy is? no! I remember the dancing. But I can not change what people think. I can only deal with what I think and how I deal with people and react to what they say. I am so misconstrued but I guess I asked for it! I brought all this upon myself. 

         I hate myself right now. I am not miss perfect. I have never thought that! I brand myself a work-in-progress. I am not miss-know-it-all. I know nothing and that is why I am constantly learning and open to being taught. Am I miss opinionated? Sometimes I can be. I dish out unsolicited advice yes! I am guilty of that and doing my darnest best to nip that nasty habit in the bud. I am a walking time bomb right now and ready to burst any minute. I have had several outbursts all through out our radio show! I've had several enraged crying sessions the last 4 hours and I am just sick and tired of it all. 

        "I AM SORRY!" Three little words that are the hardest to utter, especially when said so sincerely and meant to the core! The most painful thing anyone can do is reject that! No one takes rejections well. For a person to be at their lowest, begging for forgiveness, and you reject that? Especially from loved ones. If you are loved, remember that you have the power to love back, love well in return or hurt! And like they said in spiderman, with great power, comes a great responsibility! 

         Now let me go back to hating myself and putting myself down. I'd rather do it to myself than have other people do it to me. At least I can not hurt myself with my words.